I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
