Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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