toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
