she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize