I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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