Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
