NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
FUCK WHALES
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
