Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Dick very happy bro
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
