I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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