your thong is hanging out like whoa
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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