Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
