Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Randomize
