we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
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Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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