a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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