i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
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DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
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Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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