i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
