ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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