one might say we're banned from that church
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i came on her dog
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your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
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His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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