cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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