I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
