Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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