I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
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is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
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Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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