I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
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