i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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