and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
