Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
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You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
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worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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