i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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