did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
