Ambien. No doubt about it.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
