Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
