I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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