I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
