update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
