Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
