Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
