I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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