my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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