Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.