hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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