There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
