Moan for me like Helen Keller
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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