totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i came on her dog
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
