i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
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First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize