Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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