i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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