She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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