The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
