I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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