i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
