I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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