you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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