do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
