Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I need to stop coming to work sober
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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