In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
